"Baby Reindeer": A Look at Shame, Trauma, and the Human Experience
It surprised me that nestled amongst my emotions as I watched Baby Reindeer on Netflix, there was an overwhelming sense of relief at seeing the complex nature of shame depicted so clearly. Its intersection with identity, lived experience, and the impact on reactions and decisions.
The freeze responses when being sexually assaulted, the shame of rejection, the heightened risk-taking behaviour, the repeated ignoring of red flags to get emotional needs met, and the gradual withdrawal into self; all demonstrated how shame can distort our sense of safety, sabotage our healthy relationships and silence our internal warning system.
When a traumatic event happens our response isn’t just impacted by that one moment, but everything that has come before. The entire complex history we experience on the inside and the most difficult parts that we hide from even our own selves whilst trying to navigate a world full of judgement.
As a therapist specialising in relationships, domestic abuse, and sexual assault, I often explore with clients how shame over powers and impacts on their daily lives. The shame of why they didn’t run or fight, the reactions from others, of reporting or not reporting, of not being believed or worse having to tell the story repeatedly and it being torn to shreds in court, if it gets that far.
Shame is often described as a lump in the throat, a knot in the chest and heaviness in the stomach, pulling people down into the depths of themselves, unable to speak out, to ask for help or to say stop. It can play havoc with our nervous system, causing it to over or under react without rhyme or reason, sometimes putting ourselves in very dangerous situations and thinking nothing of it, and other times collapsing into spiralling thoughts if we think we’ve said the wrong thing to someone, overthinking and replaying it for hours, days or weeks.
The Roots of Shame
Shame comes into play in our early life, and its function is to keep us safe. We learn the rules of survival, a scolding not to touch a hot surface, not to run into the road, often a short sharp shock of being told off - a raised voice, a distorted face, which logs in our body as a safety mechanism “If I do that again, I will get hurt or worse, die”. Our nervous system reacts sending signals which cause a response of fight or flight, freeze or fawn (people pleasing). A healthy amount of shame is vital to our survival both as individuals and as part of a group.
Our family systems are the first place shame subtly starts to impact the messages we learn about ourselves as we carefully study how our caregivers deal with their experiences and figure out how to get our needs met, all at the same time as we’re learning our ABC’s and one, two, threes. These early messages embed as fact and lay the groundwork for how we show up in the world, in how we want to be liked, loved and in our connection with others.
In Baby Reindeer we get an insight of Richard Gadd’s family system and what it might have been like for him growing up, with his father’s presentation of being shut down and withdrawn, yet also having outbursts of rage and anger, while his mother and he quietly tolerate and avoid confrontation.
We interpret our early experiences as messages like “don’t make a fuss” “there’s no need to cry” “other people have it worse” “just get on with it”, “don’t upset people”. These can result in underlying beliefs of “I’m not important”, “I don’t matter”, “I’m worthless” or “it’s my fault”.
Wider community groups and society then add layers to these messages as we grow through childhood into adulthood, with comments and responses around appearance, physical ability, racialised identity, religion, gender identity, sexuality, intelligence, and class. Internally we punish and exile our unwanted parts, locking them away, keeping them down with distractions and dependencies using alcohol, drugs, over working, sex, pleasing others, shopping, scrolling, dissociating, disconnecting, silencing.
Breaking Free From Shame
Through Gadd’s confrontation of the silencing power of shame, Baby Reindeer has got people talking. Calls from male survivors to helplines have gone up by 80% and calls to stalking helplines have gone up 47%. I have spoken with family, friends, colleagues, peers, clients and even people in my local coffee shop about how the characters in Baby Reindeer resonated with each of us and it seems that although shame is a universal human experience, we all experience it differently, and all too often alone.
Shame doesn’t need to control your life any further.
Therapy can be a powerful tool to support you to understand shame, challenge negative self-beliefs, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. If you’re ready to break free from shame and build a more fulfilling, connected life, reach out today.